Some of these are even worse than the cracker jokes!

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43,  who was looking for some hot action!  So I sent her my ironing.  That'll keep the lazyladybusy.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".  Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit's pond.
Looks like frog's porn to me.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25
years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread  for 30 minutes.... I think
they were just Hovis Witnesses.